In a few weeks it will have been a year since my last post. And man...what a year it's been. I'm not really sure why I stopped writing; I know that I was busy with my last semester of school, and then there was a new job to focus on. However, I don’t think it was just the business of my life that stopped my writing, I think I was finally being fulfilled by my relationships. Writing has always been an outlet for me that usually takes place when I'm feeling trapped in my own mind, it is a way to express things that I can’t express in other ways. When I found myself being fulfilled by other things, the need to write evaporated. It's strange then, that I find myself motivated to write this morning, as I am more fulfilled now than I have been in a very long time.
I will not attempt to fully recap this past year, as so very much has happened, and the people most likely to read this will have been present for the majority of the events. Looking back at the last few posts of my blog it is hard not to see how far I have come since then, and I suppose I just don't want to leave those posts as the only document of my mental and emotional state. I want to make some sort of effort to document the changes that have taken place in me. I am so much happier and together now, and that is something worth sharing.
When I last posted I was on the cusp of a change in how I interacted with others. I must say my relationships became so much richer and meaningful after taking that plunge. I still maintained a certain level of my characteristic guardedness (you can't change the self-preservation habits of a lifetime), but I felt more connected to others than I had in a very long time.
I also managed to break out of my shell in other ways, like starting to sing on my church's worship team. This is something I wanted to do for a very long time, but lacked the courage to pursue. Music speaks to me in a way that nothing else does, and to be able to share that love of music with others by singing publicly is a wonderful thing. A few weeks before deciding to audition I had a bizarre experience I still remember perfectly. At the end of a church service the people who had been sitting in front of me turned around and said something that blew my mind. they said, "thank you for stting behind us today; you have a beautiful voice and it was a real blessing to hear you sing." No one has every said anything like that before or since and it touched my soul to hear it. It gave me the boost I needed to pursue my desire of helping lead others in worship. Singing has been a true blessing to me, helping my self-esteem, courage, and bringing me closer to God and fellow believers.
Some milestone events took place this past year as well. I graduated college, got a new full-time job, and bought my first car. These events, in and of themselves, mean nothing, but what they represent means everything. I've finally made it, I am now a fully independent adult. Somehow, I've grown up, and most importantly, I've thrived.
Oh, don't get me wrong, there were some tough times this past year, but I grew through them and am (hopefully) a better person for it.
The summer and the times following were some of the most amazing of all for me. I found myself growing closer in some of my relationships in ways I hadn't thought possible. People like Ron, Sean, Jess, and
I debated sharing this here (despite my personal growth I’m still a very guarded individual), but how can I not share one of the biggest reasons for my current happiness. I never intended for it to happen, I had no idea I'd healed enough to even consider it, but it really was about time. After months (maybe years) of avoiding my feelings for Ron I find myself in an incredible relationship with him. It's incredible if only because it happened. Who knew two people could dance around one another so obviously for so long without doing anything? But the healing that has taken place in my heart since starting to date Ron is astonishing. I am in love, and it is a miraculous thing.
It's amazing what can happen when you take a chance. Almost a year ago I decided to try reaching out to others in true friendship, now I have found a deep contentment in who I am. I have an amazing group of friends, an incredible boyfriend, and my relationship with God is no longer stagnant but growing strongly. I have truly been blessed. Now I strive to be a blessing to others, like they have been to me.
(The song I chose for the title of this post is by Relient K and I think it sums up my current state of mind pretty well. Even though the video isn't great this is the only video I found with good sound.)
