I'll start with the obvious...shiny new blog layout! Yay! I've been feeling the writing itch over the last few weeks, but decided that wanting my blog to look cool took precedence over actually writing anything. Still, there has been a subject burning on my mind lately and it seems like it's popping up everywhere I look. With that, let's move on.
Sean recently posted a link to an article on something called Sunk Coast Bias. I won't go into depth here about what the article says, as it's only loosely related to my main point, but it is what got my mind churning a bit. The gist of the article is that personal improvement is hindered when we sink our efforts into tasks and relationships simply because we have a prior commitment to them or have been doing them for a long time. The author implies that we should pursue the path that brings us the most fulfillment, regardless of previous time/money invested or if we've made a prior commitment. This is a very rough summary of a fairly long article. But one particular part (point 3) of this article caught my attention: "After we decide to do something, we feel attached to what we committed to. And the bigger the commitment, the harder it is to let go." The author then goes on to tout the concept of living only in the present. I have several problems with this philosophy, the biggest being what this attitude means for relationships.
If you've been following the celeb/gossip rags lately (let's hope you haven't) then you will have heard about the dissolution of the marriage between TV couple Jon and Kate. Now I don't care about Jon and Kate, what I do care about is a statement made by Kate, "It doesn't matter where Jon and I are in our relationship, my kids still matter most to me." I'm sure most people read this statement and see nothing wrong with it. I read this statement and am shocked and infuriated...mostly because people see nothing wrong with this outlook. Why do I see something wrong with it...and what does this have to do with the previous paragraph?
What I really want to talk about here is love, but not just love, love in a committed or married relationship. I know, what would I know about marriage or real love? Well, I've been in two committed relationships, was once engaged, and I've been a primary witness to my parents 25+ year marriage. I'd say that makes me at least a little qualified.
I am so fed up with this society where we are so focused on ourselves and our own happiness and fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, I want to be as happy and fulfilled as the next person, but that's not my main goal in life. How many marriages could be saved if the people in them were more concerned about their spouse than about themselves. A parent shouldn't put their kids first (gasp!), they should put their spouse first, and then their kids. If Mom and Dad are in a good marriage, the children will be far more likely to be content and taken care of. A person shouldn't be in a serious relationship and pursuing their own bliss, but should be seeking to create bliss for the other person, that's true love...they might be surprised when the other person reciprocates. Now, I'm not going to pretend, even for a second, that this is easy. It's hard, seemingly impossibly hard at times, but who ever said that love should be easy. Love isn't easy, love is a choice, and I'm tired of society trivializing it into a simple feeling.
It's no wonder so many marriages don't last, we are so focused on ourselves that our commitments no longer matter. We are constantly chasing a fleeting feeling instead of working to achieve a love that will last through the deepest of struggles. we always seek to find that which gives us a feeling of contentment instead of working at creating that fulfillment in our commitments. I was furious when I read this article that said Governor Sanford should leave his wife for the woman he had an affair with. (On a side note, the author of the above article spends the whole article saying that "love" trumps all and marriage vows are essentially pointless, yet ends by saying that the governor should change his views on gay marriage...excuse me, how does that work?!) How will him leaving his wife make things better? The governor once felt feelings of love for his wife, what's to say his feelings for this other woman won't eventually change as well? What is the point of marriage vows if you are simply going to leave once the other person "doesn't make you happy anymore?"
Love isn't easy, love isn't supposed to be easy. Love is more than a feeling, it's an action, a commitment, it's putting the needs and desires of another person before your own. Love is choosing to stay with a person and care for them despite their failings and faults, not simply because of their positive attributes. The amazing thing is, that when you start putting another person first, they will often begin to do the same. The action of love is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but the benefits are more than you could ever imagine.
EDIT (7/21): This is the sort of love between a husband and wife that I'm talking about: Tammy and the Doctors. (Unfortunately, I feel I should warn people before they click that this is a very Christian blog entry.) Tammy is a friend of my mother and this blog is written by her husband. Tammy has lukemia.
Breakfast
15 years ago
