I'll start with the obvious...shiny new blog layout! Yay! I've been feeling the writing itch over the last few weeks, but decided that wanting my blog to look cool took precedence over actually writing anything. Still, there has been a subject burning on my mind lately and it seems like it's popping up everywhere I look. With that, let's move on.
Sean recently posted a link to an article on something called Sunk Coast Bias. I won't go into depth here about what the article says, as it's only loosely related to my main point, but it is what got my mind churning a bit. The gist of the article is that personal improvement is hindered when we sink our efforts into tasks and relationships simply because we have a prior commitment to them or have been doing them for a long time. The author implies that we should pursue the path that brings us the most fulfillment, regardless of previous time/money invested or if we've made a prior commitment. This is a very rough summary of a fairly long article. But one particular part (point 3) of this article caught my attention: "After we decide to do something, we feel attached to what we committed to. And the bigger the commitment, the harder it is to let go." The author then goes on to tout the concept of living only in the present. I have several problems with this philosophy, the biggest being what this attitude means for relationships.
If you've been following the celeb/gossip rags lately (let's hope you haven't) then you will have heard about the dissolution of the marriage between TV couple Jon and Kate. Now I don't care about Jon and Kate, what I do care about is a statement made by Kate, "It doesn't matter where Jon and I are in our relationship, my kids still matter most to me." I'm sure most people read this statement and see nothing wrong with it. I read this statement and am shocked and infuriated...mostly because people see nothing wrong with this outlook. Why do I see something wrong with it...and what does this have to do with the previous paragraph?
What I really want to talk about here is love, but not just love, love in a committed or married relationship. I know, what would I know about marriage or real love? Well, I've been in two committed relationships, was once engaged, and I've been a primary witness to my parents 25+ year marriage. I'd say that makes me at least a little qualified.
I am so fed up with this society where we are so focused on ourselves and our own happiness and fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, I want to be as happy and fulfilled as the next person, but that's not my main goal in life. How many marriages could be saved if the people in them were more concerned about their spouse than about themselves. A parent shouldn't put their kids first (gasp!), they should put their spouse first, and then their kids. If Mom and Dad are in a good marriage, the children will be far more likely to be content and taken care of. A person shouldn't be in a serious relationship and pursuing their own bliss, but should be seeking to create bliss for the other person, that's true love...they might be surprised when the other person reciprocates. Now, I'm not going to pretend, even for a second, that this is easy. It's hard, seemingly impossibly hard at times, but who ever said that love should be easy. Love isn't easy, love is a choice, and I'm tired of society trivializing it into a simple feeling.
It's no wonder so many marriages don't last, we are so focused on ourselves that our commitments no longer matter. We are constantly chasing a fleeting feeling instead of working to achieve a love that will last through the deepest of struggles. we always seek to find that which gives us a feeling of contentment instead of working at creating that fulfillment in our commitments. I was furious when I read this article that said Governor Sanford should leave his wife for the woman he had an affair with. (On a side note, the author of the above article spends the whole article saying that "love" trumps all and marriage vows are essentially pointless, yet ends by saying that the governor should change his views on gay marriage...excuse me, how does that work?!) How will him leaving his wife make things better? The governor once felt feelings of love for his wife, what's to say his feelings for this other woman won't eventually change as well? What is the point of marriage vows if you are simply going to leave once the other person "doesn't make you happy anymore?"
Love isn't easy, love isn't supposed to be easy. Love is more than a feeling, it's an action, a commitment, it's putting the needs and desires of another person before your own. Love is choosing to stay with a person and care for them despite their failings and faults, not simply because of their positive attributes. The amazing thing is, that when you start putting another person first, they will often begin to do the same. The action of love is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but the benefits are more than you could ever imagine.
EDIT (7/21): This is the sort of love between a husband and wife that I'm talking about: Tammy and the Doctors. (Unfortunately, I feel I should warn people before they click that this is a very Christian blog entry.) Tammy is a friend of my mother and this blog is written by her husband. Tammy has lukemia.
Breakfast
15 years ago
7 comments:
First of all, beautiful renovation. It's simply gorgeous in so many ways. I'm a little envious.
Second, I can see where you're coming from. My parents have been together for 30+ years, and the idea that two people can't work out their differences used to be pretty shocking to me. Now that I've seen lots of relationships run their course though, I think that a relationship is a very difficult thing to maintain, and it definitely takes two willing people to support it.
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it; I'm never sure when I come across too preachy or overbearing.
And yeah, I used to feel the same way about people who can't work things through. What would once surprise me, now just makes me sad. I've seen so many people just give up on marriages. I'm always impressed when I see people really working at what look like doomed relationships, even when their significant other has given up...sometimes they get better, sometimes they don't, but at least they're trying. My big thing is commitment, once you make those vows to another person, you need to follow through. I don't really believe in divorce except for in cases of abuse (physical and mental), and as a last result after an affair.
Anyway, this is obviously a subject I feel passionate about. Hearing that couple that has stayed together for a long time, like your parents, helps me feel a little bit of hope.
Hey, I like the new look. Pretty trees.
As for relationships, I think you and I have similar ideas about how things should work. I personally wouldn't consider a relationship serious unless I considered the other person's well-being before my own, and I can hardly imagine putting the label "love" on some of the transitory trysts that happen nowadays.
My own parents have a really good marriage. They've definitely had a lot of ups and downs (particularly due to money issues), but I've honestly never worried about them splitting up. In the end, they are far more important to each other than (nearly) anything that could come between them.
Nonetheless, I do disagree with you on a couple points:
"A parent shouldn't put their kids first (gasp!), they should put their spouse first, and then their kids."
I'd like to point out that on an emotional level, a lot of people do care about their kids more than their spouse, and can't help but show it. They can resolve to spend more time with their spouse or change some behaviors, but I think it's actually fairly common for the kids to come first in a family, and as long as there's not a feeling of having to "choose" between kids and spouse, it's usually not a problem. In my mom's case, I don't think anyone in our family has ever doubted that her kids come first, although that's not apparent 100% of the time. She also often puts my dad before herself, which leaves her rather exhausted/exasperated sometimes, but for the most part she's pleased with her life, and we love her energy and selflessness.
The other point I'll bring up is that some relationships aren't ever going to work out, because they were never healthy in the first place. My oldest uncle has dated/married a string of women who were total nuts. They are always smart, pretty women who are hitting a rough spot in their lives, and he comes in with his worldly knowledge and surgeon's income to pick them up again. They maybe get married, maybe have a kid. Then the wife turns out to be manipulative, emotionally unstable, dishonest, suspiciously jealous, and not above a little law-breaking. He loves to come white-knighting in and thinks that because he's been helpful to someone and she acted all grateful (and they had sex), therefore they are in love. In truth, he barely even knows her, even after a couple of years, because he only wants to see that grateful, downtrodden, sweet girl she pretends to be for him. Then she turns out to be a psychopath (I'm not kidding, several times they have done crazy violent things with no remorse, although rarely directly to him) and he's off to look for some other woman to soothe his broken heart.
And a lot of couples figure it out in less dramatic/dysfunctional ways; it's not just that they don't love each other any more. It's that they were never in love at all, but for some reason got married before they realized that. It happens all the time, because people are blinded by the need to be with someone and by looking only at what they can get out of a relationship, and not at the true personality and desires of the other person.
I'm rambling, so let's just say that I've seen and heard some dumb things people do to themselves recently, and I'm a little jaded today.
You raise some interesting point Sean, and on at least one of them I don't necessarily disagree with you.
You're right when you say that some relationships will never work out. I know some people who never should have gotten married to anyone in the first place. If you aren't married to a person, I see no reason why you shouldn't leave a relationship that isn't working. However, I think many people take marriage too lightly, like it's something you can just flit in and out of. I'm of the opinion that once you make that commitment you are obligated to do everything you can to try and make it work, and granted, sometimes that isn't enough.
One of the big problems is that people enter into marriage based on "feelings of love," which as you pointed out may turn out to be that they were never in love in the first place. However, I think that you can learn to love a person. It's not easy, and it takes two willing people, but if you have made a commitment to another person, I feel you are obligated to try. Granted, this is an ideal, and in practice most people simple don't want to try, they'd rather take the "easy" way out and try and find someone else.
As far as the kids thing is concerned. I think you are right when you say that a lot of people have a greater emotional attachment to their children, what I'm saying is that it shouldn't be that way. It can damage marriages (not always) and cause spouses to be resentful if there is a conflict of interest between a child and a spouse, and the other parent takes the child's side. I've seen this sort of situation before, i.e. where a child undermines one parent's authority by going to the one that is more sympathetic...things get ugly between the parents very quickly. My father has always put my mother first, and when my brother started having problems, it made a world of difference. When it came right down to it my dad would rather have his son arrested and or living on his own than have him living in their house verbally abusing my mother. Both of my parents have shown this sort of devotion to each other throughout my life, and it's instilled in me a great respect for both of them, I've always known that when one of them speaks they speak for both of them, and they've been a great example for how I should treat my own future mate.
And now that I've proceeded to ramble on for too long, I leave you with this: these are my ideals on how relationships and love should work. I realize that reality is a far different thing, but these are my convictions and how I model my own love relationships.
"I think you are right when you say that a lot of people have a greater emotional attachment to their children, what I'm saying is that it shouldn't be that way."
This is what I'm disagreeing with. I think that in a lot of cases this is unavoidable, between one's instincts as a parent and the sheer commitment of time that goes into raising a child. From what I've seen, it's especially common for mothers to see their children as having the most importance in their lives. But I'd make a distinction between feelings and behavior here. Loving your kid does not require you to give in every time they "need" something, and in fact it's often quite the opposite way. If your dad had decided to keep your brother around no matter what, would that really have solved the major problems in his life? Would it make anyone more functional to be able to do whatever he wants in his parents' house?
What I'm talking about is not "all resources automatically go to child before spouse". That's not in any way practical or healthy; everyone has to make compromises between their responsibilities from day to day. In a lot of situations your spouse may need you more. I'm talking about, if there is some symmetrical situation, where both your spouse and your child really need you, who do you bail out first? In the extreme case, if one of them was going to die, who would your gut tell you to save? For many people the answer is their kids with no contest, and in many relationships that does not, in fact, cause any resentment from the spouse (who may feel the same way).
Bleh, this is such an easy topic to ramble on. For the most part I agree with you though. I'm glad you posted, as it gave me a few things to think about. Due to the aforementioned "dumb things", I've been thinking about the opposite side of taking marriage too lightly. You're concerned about divorce, whereas I've been concerned about people committing too quickly in the first place, due to sheer desire to be with someone and fear of being alone. It's very troubling to me when people manage their relationships based on what they want out of a relationship in general, and not on the specific personality and needs of the other person.
Emotional attachment is an attribute - not a decision. It is an exceedingly rare individual who can decide to attach or not, or to what degree etc... [and I'm not sure it's a good quality to have]. Commitment and priority are decisions that may indicate attachment, but they are indicators - not actual attachment.
Anyhow, I have some very strong opinions about much of what was said, but since they are often sharply contradictory to those stated, I'm feeling like not sharing. Also, I feel like they'd be hard to enunciate appropriately. You both have such ideals...
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