Obsessions of a Wandering Mind

A single flame lights my desk as I pull out my supplies. A sheet of ecru cotton paper sits in front of me, waiting to be filled. Dipping my glass pen into the sepia ink, I think of another time, a time when writing letters was commonplace. Still, I enjoy my quirky habit, I love the feel of the glass nib as it scratches across the paper. I love to think carefully of each word before I place it permanently, or occasionally to let my thoughts flow as fast and freely as the ink.

I can feel the cold air from outside creeping in as I begin to write, but it does not phase me; I am warmed from within. It doesn't truly matter what I put, so long as it is what I am feeling at the time. You will not care if the language is poetic and romantic, or if it is the colloquial speech I use everyday. What matters is that the letter is full of my thoughts, and that those thoughts are for you. Tonight I am feeling particularly old fashioned, so I ramble on in a wistful fashion, slowly filling the page with my slanting script. Though you are far away, I feel connected to you when I write. The loneliness is not so overwhelming when I speak to you through ink.

And then the end of the page arrives. I am not yet ready to say goodbye, but the call of my nearby bed is stronger than that of the paper...at least tonight. But first, before I drift off to see you in my dreams, I must place the finishing touches. I carefully add a scent the to the page; the smell you will forever associate with me fills the room, bergamot with a touch of sandalwood. Setting aside the page to dry, I turn to the envelope. I carefully scribe your name on the front and begin to think. Perhaps a bible verse on love, but no...not tonight. Tonight I chose the lyrics to a song, for my heart is full of song this evening. I transcribe a verse from a love song to my envelope. After the ink dries I insert my note and seal the envelope. Using green wax and a brass wax seal, I mark the letter with my mark a celtic trinity knot.

I get up, placing the letter by the door, and putting away my things. I blow out the candle, letting the smoke fill the room. The note is finished. My love never will be.

I'll start with the obvious...shiny new blog layout! Yay! I've been feeling the writing itch over the last few weeks, but decided that wanting my blog to look cool took precedence over actually writing anything. Still, there has been a subject burning on my mind lately and it seems like it's popping up everywhere I look. With that, let's move on.

Sean recently posted a link to an article on something called Sunk Coast Bias. I won't go into depth here about what the article says, as it's only loosely related to my main point, but it is what got my mind churning a bit. The gist of the article is that personal improvement is hindered when we sink our efforts into tasks and relationships simply because we have a prior commitment to them or have been doing them for a long time. The author implies that we should pursue the path that brings us the most fulfillment, regardless of previous time/money invested or if we've made a prior commitment. This is a very rough summary of a fairly long article. But one particular part (point 3) of this article caught my attention: "After we decide to do something, we feel attached to what we committed to. And the bigger the commitment, the harder it is to let go." The author then goes on to tout the concept of living only in the present. I have several problems with this philosophy, the biggest being what this attitude means for relationships.

If you've been following the celeb/gossip rags lately (let's hope you haven't) then you will have heard about the dissolution of the marriage between TV couple Jon and Kate. Now I don't care about Jon and Kate, what I do care about is a statement made by Kate, "It doesn't matter where Jon and I are in our relationship, my kids still matter most to me." I'm sure most people read this statement and see nothing wrong with it. I read this statement and am shocked and infuriated...mostly because people see nothing wrong with this outlook. Why do I see something wrong with it...and what does this have to do with the previous paragraph?

What I really want to talk about here is love, but not just love, love in a committed or married relationship. I know, what would I know about marriage or real love? Well, I've been in two committed relationships, was once engaged, and I've been a primary witness to my parents 25+ year marriage. I'd say that makes me at least a little qualified.

I am so fed up with this society where we are so focused on ourselves and our own happiness and fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, I want to be as happy and fulfilled as the next person, but that's not my main goal in life. How many marriages could be saved if the people in them were more concerned about their spouse than about themselves. A parent shouldn't put their kids first (gasp!), they should put their spouse first, and then their kids. If Mom and Dad are in a good marriage, the children will be far more likely to be content and taken care of. A person shouldn't be in a serious relationship and pursuing their own bliss, but should be seeking to create bliss for the other person, that's true love...they might be surprised when the other person reciprocates. Now, I'm not going to pretend, even for a second, that this is easy. It's hard, seemingly impossibly hard at times, but who ever said that love should be easy. Love isn't easy, love is a choice, and I'm tired of society trivializing it into a simple feeling.

It's no wonder so many marriages don't last, we are so focused on ourselves that our commitments no longer matter. We are constantly chasing a fleeting feeling instead of working to achieve a love that will last through the deepest of struggles. we always seek to find that which gives us a feeling of contentment instead of working at creating that fulfillment in our commitments. I was furious when I read this article that said Governor Sanford should leave his wife for the woman he had an affair with. (On a side note, the author of the above article spends the whole article saying that "love" trumps all and marriage vows are essentially pointless, yet ends by saying that the governor should change his views on gay marriage...excuse me, how does that work?!) How will him leaving his wife make things better? The governor once felt feelings of love for his wife, what's to say his feelings for this other woman won't eventually change as well? What is the point of marriage vows if you are simply going to leave once the other person "doesn't make you happy anymore?"

Love isn't easy, love isn't supposed to be easy. Love is more than a feeling, it's an action, a commitment, it's putting the needs and desires of another person before your own. Love is choosing to stay with a person and care for them despite their failings and faults, not simply because of their positive attributes. The amazing thing is, that when you start putting another person first, they will often begin to do the same. The action of love is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but the benefits are more than you could ever imagine.

EDIT (7/21): This is the sort of love between a husband and wife that I'm talking about: Tammy and the Doctors. (Unfortunately, I feel I should warn people before they click that this is a very Christian blog entry.) Tammy is a friend of my mother and this blog is written by her husband. Tammy has lukemia.

In a few weeks it will have been a year since my last post. And man...what a year it's been. I'm not really sure why I stopped writing; I know that I was busy with my last semester of school, and then there was a new job to focus on. However, I don’t think it was just the business of my life that stopped my writing, I think I was finally being fulfilled by my relationships. Writing has always been an outlet for me that usually takes place when I'm feeling trapped in my own mind, it is a way to express things that I can’t express in other ways. When I found myself being fulfilled by other things, the need to write evaporated. It's strange then, that I find myself motivated to write this morning, as I am more fulfilled now than I have been in a very long time.

I will not attempt to fully recap this past year, as so very much has happened, and the people most likely to read this will have been present for the majority of the events. Looking back at the last few posts of my blog it is hard not to see how far I have come since then, and I suppose I just don't want to leave those posts as the only document of my mental and emotional state. I want to make some sort of effort to document the changes that have taken place in me. I am so much happier and together now, and that is something worth sharing.

When I last posted I was on the cusp of a change in how I interacted with others. I must say my relationships became so much richer and meaningful after taking that plunge. I still maintained a certain level of my characteristic guardedness (you can't change the self-preservation habits of a lifetime), but I felt more connected to others than I had in a very long time.

I also managed to break out of my shell in other ways, like starting to sing on my church's worship team. This is something I wanted to do for a very long time, but lacked the courage to pursue. Music speaks to me in a way that nothing else does, and to be able to share that love of music with others by singing publicly is a wonderful thing. A few weeks before deciding to audition I had a bizarre experience I still remember perfectly. At the end of a church service the people who had been sitting in front of me turned around and said something that blew my mind. they said, "thank you for stting behind us today; you have a beautiful voice and it was a real blessing to hear you sing." No one has every said anything like that before or since and it touched my soul to hear it. It gave me the boost I needed to pursue my desire of helping lead others in worship. Singing has been a true blessing to me, helping my self-esteem, courage, and bringing me closer to God and fellow believers.

Some milestone events took place this past year as well. I graduated college, got a new full-time job, and bought my first car. These events, in and of themselves, mean nothing, but what they represent means everything. I've finally made it, I am now a fully independent adult. Somehow, I've grown up, and most importantly, I've thrived.

Oh, don't get me wrong, there were some tough times this past year, but I grew through them and am (hopefully) a better person for it.

The summer and the times following were some of the most amazing of all for me. I found myself growing closer in some of my relationships in ways I hadn't thought possible. People like Ron, Sean, Jess, and Erin became more important to me than ever before. I was finally opening up and becoming comfortable sharing who I really was with some people who had never seen that side of me.

I debated sharing this here (despite my personal growth I’m still a very guarded individual), but how can I not share one of the biggest reasons for my current happiness. I never intended for it to happen, I had no idea I'd healed enough to even consider it, but it really was about time. After months (maybe years) of avoiding my feelings for Ron I find myself in an incredible relationship with him. It's incredible if only because it happened. Who knew two people could dance around one another so obviously for so long without doing anything? But the healing that has taken place in my heart since starting to date Ron is astonishing. I am in love, and it is a miraculous thing.

It's amazing what can happen when you take a chance. Almost a year ago I decided to try reaching out to others in true friendship, now I have found a deep contentment in who I am. I have an amazing group of friends, an incredible boyfriend, and my relationship with God is no longer stagnant but growing strongly. I have truly been blessed. Now I strive to be a blessing to others, like they have been to me.

(The song I chose for the title of this post is by Relient K and I think it sums up my current state of mind pretty well. Even though the video isn't great this is the only video I found with good sound.)