Obsessions of a Wandering Mind

Tonight I find myself in a strange mood. Actually, I've kinda been in a funk most of the day. As most of my readers probably know my car is broken...again. The annoying thing is that they've had it for two days and still can't find what's wrong, but I digress. The fact is that this has left me asking others for rides home, something I am remarkably uncomfortable doing. I have a very hard time asking others for help, or for much else really. I'll expound on this more in a bit.

I'm sitting here listening to Enya, the rich music soothing my soul. Today I have felt increasing lonely. What is odd about this is that I have very little reason to feel that way. Just recently Nick dropped me off at my apartment when I had the opportunity to stay at Sean and Alyssa's place with other people. Yet staying there would have only increased my feelings of loneliness. It seems strange doesn't it? This brings me back to asking others for help. If I had stayed, I would have only been hiding my feelings, since I don't want my friends to feel obligated to help me feel better. Although I know my friends would be more than willing to be there for me, I still can't bring myself to express this need for companionship. There have been many times where I've been bored and wanted to spend time with other people, but I won't call anyone for fear of...rejection, maybe...I'm never really sure why. I simply can't ever bring myself to ask if it would be alright to come over and hang. I suppose I fear being considered a burden, that friend who just seems to hang around where they aren't wanted, the "drag". I know my fears and feelings are unfounded, yet they seem to creep up again and again.

Have you ever heard the phrase: "alone in a crowd." That's how I've felt today. Unable to express how I feel to others, how can I ever expect to fix this problem. I suppose my blog tonight is a way to start. Still, it saddens me (more deeply than I sometimes care to admit) that when I have such good friends that I can still have such feelings of disconnection. I tend to have a positive outlook on life, and when I feel down I try and maintain that outlook under the hopes that I will feel better. Sometimes it works, but it's days like today when the deep sadness hits, when I need support the most, that I find myself crippled and uncertain of what to do.

I don't want all these posts to be such downers, but I think this non-verbal expression has been therapeutic for me. Believe it or not I do feel a little better (if slightly nervous for posting this in a public forum). So goodnight everyone.

Today I want to talk about something that's been on my mind for quite some time now...teenagers and the church. This is a subject I actually feel quite passionate about. I know that most of my readers aren't Christian, so I'm going to try to make my points relevant for more than just the arena of the church. Also, what's the point in having a blog if I can't rant and rave every now and again.

Over the past few years it has come to my attention that the church is failing the youth of today. I suppose I've known this ever since I was a member of several different youth groups, but it never seemed to really hit home until I was old enough to view the construct from the outside as an adult. I recently heard someone refer to youth groups as being essentially babysitting for teenagers. I can tell you right now that the youth groups of today (at least the ones I've seen) do appear to fit that bill. I remember all to well from my own experience that church youth groups are extremely clique-y places, as are most teenage social constructs. However, last I checked the church was supposed to be an open place where anyone feels welcome. While I know that this isn't always the case even in the adult arena it seems even more important where kids are concerned.

According to recent research around 70 of young adults will drop out of church after high school. Youth pastors like to blame this on the fact that students go off to college and are busy, but the same rates are seen even in those that don't continue on to college. This seems to say to me that the church is doing a lousy job at helping teenagers feel that church is important in their lives. My own experience with youth groups has been mostly negative, and I spent the majority of my high school years as a youth leader at one church or another. The only shining spot was with a youth pastor named Shane who made a significant impact on my life and sense of self-worth. He wanted the students to take charge in the activities and teaching and did everything possible to break down clique barriers.

One thing I see adults do far to often is underestimate the intelligence of the average teenager. The teaching in most youth groups is dry and simplistic. These are the years where kids are asking the tough questions: "Why should I believe in a God?" "How do I know all this stuff you've been telling me is true?" Yet most youth groups don't even bother to try to answer these questions, instead they just flounder around trying to find a balance between kids Sunday School and the plain sermons you hear as an adult. In the end they seem to come up with merely a really flashy attempt to entice students in and then bore them with simple inapplicable sermons.

I think the church is afraid. Afraid of being considered uncool, afraid of ruffling some feathers by addressing the tough issues. There are so many troubled and questioning youth today. These kids need place to go to find answers or even just some support and understanding. These students are the future of the church, and it treats them with neglect and disrespect. The church will pay for it's neglect, when one day they look up and see an aging congregation.

So...phew...there's my rant for ya. Oh, on a side note, since this is the second time I've used a song as my post title, I've decided I want to label all my posts with songs that I think fit the subject. Today's song is: "Lost the Plot" by the Newsboys.

I've been meaning to write up this post, but some events in my life have occurred lately that have spawned the necessary motivation. About a month ago I Stumbled upon a bookmark. It said: "I am reading this book because I don't want to think about my life. I believe it is what is known as escapism. This got me thinking about how much of my life is spent doing things that "take me away" from it. Over the recent break I spent the majority of my time reading, playing Xbox, or surfing the web. The books I enjoy reading are fantasy or sci-fi, where the world is often far more exciting than my reality. I have to ask myself: "How much of my time do I spend focusing on things unrelated to my own existence?" The answer is unclear and rather complicated.

I love books and always have, they are my window into a world that cannot exist for me. I, like most people, enjoy immersing myself in the adventures of others through books, movies, tv, etc. These exciting accounts can be fictional or true as long as they are more than my own life. What do I mean by "more?" I mean more adventurous, more painful, more happy, more romantic, more "whatever" than my life is now.

Why do people spend so much time and money on reading/watching about someone else's life (fiction or no)? Why are we driven to entertain ourselves in such a fashion? There are plenty of activities that involve only your own life. Athletics, work, and socializing with friends would be a good example of engaging with your own life. I know that a good portion of my life is spent at school either working or chatting with friends. However I also spend a lot of time surfing the internet, and nothing feels better at the end of a long day than curling up with a good book on my LoveSac.

Life is hard, and nobody is perfect. I think these are the main reasons why we turn to our books and tv at the end of the day. This is our chance to experience second-hand what it would be like to be someone else. Reading about someone who travels across time and space gives you the chance to do the same, if only for a few hours, but without the risk. Watching a person on tv with a lousy job and a monster of a boss makes light of your own dissatisfaction with your career. Does this need to escape mean my own life is that terrible or dissatisfying? No, not in my case, but I think some people do take it to the extreme.

Drug abuse has always been around in America, and unfortunately I've had first hand experience in seeing what it can do to a person and as a result a family. Drugs are a more extreme form of escapism, and an unhealthy form at that. Only the addict can tell you why they take such extreme measures to escape the trouble of their own lives. My 17 year old brother is a cocaine addict. I don't know why he turned to drugs, but he's been using marijuana since he was 11 years old. He claims that he started using cocaine because my parents forbade him from smoking pot after they found out. I feel for my parents, they have no idea why he turned to drugs and therefore can't help him deal with it. He's said he does it to cope. What exactly he has to "cope" with I have no idea. All I know is that he has a powerful need to escape from something, and that he's chosen one of the worst ways of dealing with it. His form of escapism in turn causes a desire to escape the situation in his family as well.

The worst form of escapism is also the most permanent. Just yesterday the brother of one of my friends committed suicide. He was only 14 years old. He has successfully escaped from all his worldly troubles at a terrible cost. He has shattered the hearts and minds of his family and friends. They may never know for sure what drove him to take his own life, but I'm sure they are left with an ardent desire to escape the pain right now.

I'm afraid this post has turned out darker than I originally intended. Sadly darkness, as well as light, is a part of life. Escapism is something that will always be a part of my life. It's what helps keep me sane when things get rough. However, it's important to remember to engage in the real world, the one I have to live in. Because as much there are days where I'd like to be Sam Carter or Elizabeth Bennet, it's not going to happen. I'm Andie and my life is what I make it, so I'd better take an active part in it.