Tonight I find myself in a strange mood. Actually, I've kinda been in a funk most of the day. As most of my readers probably know my car is broken...again. The annoying thing is that they've had it for two days and still can't find what's wrong, but I digress. The fact is that this has left me asking others for rides home, something I am remarkably uncomfortable doing. I have a very hard time asking others for help, or for much else really. I'll expound on this more in a bit.
I'm sitting here listening to Enya, the rich music soothing my soul. Today I have felt increasing lonely. What is odd about this is that I have very little reason to feel that way. Just recently Nick dropped me off at my apartment when I had the opportunity to stay at Sean and Alyssa's place with other people. Yet staying there would have only increased my feelings of loneliness. It seems strange doesn't it? This brings me back to asking others for help. If I had stayed, I would have only been hiding my feelings, since I don't want my friends to feel obligated to help me feel better. Although I know my friends would be more than willing to be there for me, I still can't bring myself to express this need for companionship. There have been many times where I've been bored and wanted to spend time with other people, but I won't call anyone for fear of...rejection, maybe...I'm never really sure why. I simply can't ever bring myself to ask if it would be alright to come over and hang. I suppose I fear being considered a burden, that friend who just seems to hang around where they aren't wanted, the "drag". I know my fears and feelings are unfounded, yet they seem to creep up again and again.
Have you ever heard the phrase: "alone in a crowd." That's how I've felt today. Unable to express how I feel to others, how can I ever expect to fix this problem. I suppose my blog tonight is a way to start. Still, it saddens me (more deeply than I sometimes care to admit) that when I have such good friends that I can still have such feelings of disconnection. I tend to have a positive outlook on life, and when I feel down I try and maintain that outlook under the hopes that I will feel better. Sometimes it works, but it's days like today when the deep sadness hits, when I need support the most, that I find myself crippled and uncertain of what to do.
I don't want all these posts to be such downers, but I think this non-verbal expression has been therapeutic for me. Believe it or not I do feel a little better (if slightly nervous for posting this in a public forum). So goodnight everyone.
Breakfast
15 years ago
5 comments:
I'll first state the obvious, which is that you are not a drag and that it would have been all right if you'd stuck around, especially if you really needed company. Since I've been hanging with Alyssa, who is so often at the center of our gatherings, and since I was previously used to a very loner-ish lifestyle, I generally don't feel too lonely, excepting sometimes late nights when my awareness peaks and there's no one awake to share sensation with. I do think, though, that there's an analogue in the social anxiety I sometimes feel. I am afraid of dealing with people in general because I feel like I'm not alert enough to deal with them, that they'll judge me, and there's an overstimulation factor. I am afraid of dealing with my friends because I feel like if I'm in such a frightened and needy state I'll just bring them down, or hold them back, when they might otherwise be happy. The solution is to suck it up and lean on someone, which isn't easy but it's the only way to really help yourself sometimes.
I can't magically fix your problems or depression any more than anyone else, but I can throw my advice, in the hope that a bit of it might stick or help. When people are depressed, they are generally worried about things, feel guilty about things, or angry at someone. The way out is to simply recognize that, whether or not you really have control of your life, you can see some pretty amazing things out there, and bury yourself in something that gives you excitement or contentment right now. This morning I was very stressed and tired, and my day totally turned around after my kayaking class got going. The reason was because I could feel like I was doing something useful and fun, with a fun group of people, and it didn't matter what the hell the rest of my life was about. So next time the bad mood strikes, I suggest you put any guilt to the side, and just find whatever it is that will get you absorbed in the moment and remind you that no matter what happens, you can still find really good moments in life. Hell, if nothing else, if I'm available (which, sadly, I would not have been tonight due to quantum), I'll just go bowling with you, or do something else that's pointless yet engaging. There's no sense in a perfectly wonderful person sitting somewhere feeling like crap. I won't let you impose; even Nick, who of anyone is possibly the most dependent on me, will get a hint from me if there's a real problem doing something. Anyway, I fear I may have taken this in another direction than you were looking for. But dammit, I like it when I can help people out, and you are definitely people to me!
On expressing feelings; here I really can't find a solution for you. But having a confident is good, trusting friends is good, having a blog is good... I hope you can find some venue that makes you feel somehow right and sane emotionally, even when life in general isn't as right as you could hope.
Dark Blue, not so strange.... This probably isn't the venue to say that I'm sooo thankful for you driving me to Steamboat, but I am. The conversation was amazing, and while I would have liked to ski, I'm glad you did and that you had a good time doing it.
Emotions resonate pretty strongly with people, and it's worthy to note that Lys, I, Fish, and you have been kind of down of late. I know my reasons - I've been ignoring problems for 6 months. I'm actually Lys's problem too, but I digress. I think it's sometimes appropriate, especially when you've got some sadish people around you, to be alone with the sorrow. I would love to be the one to cheer you up, and I'm sure that everybody else shares that desire, but I also recognize that there are other feelings associated with feeling down. Don't feel bad about not asking for help, but ask for help if you want to.
Final note: one of the things I learned while studying communication was that there are different advantages for different modes of expression. When it comes to organizing your thoughts, writing (especially on a computer because you can easily move thoughts around until they make sense!) is one of the best ways to do it. We are inherently social creatures so a blog, which has the incentive that other people might read it, seems like an ideal venue to explore the way you feel. I know it's been pretty helpful to me. Anyway, I know that song isn't exactly within your preferred genre, but I don't remember any songs with appropriately empathic lyrics, so if you like it, enjoy, and if not, I'll do some more research.
Thanks guys. I mean it...really, thanks. They were both full of some good advice and outlook.
Sean: Thanks for thinking I'm not a drag. :) Even though I know this in my head, it does my heart good to hear it. You've got some good advice on focusing on the good of the moment, and you're also right in that sometimes a person's just gotta admit they need support and ask for it. It's nice to know you (and others) would be there if I asked.
Mike: Good song! I think I've heard this one before, but I've never really listened to the lyrics, it was nice. I also never really thought of that "emotional resonance" thing occurring, but it makes sense. Yeah, the blogging has been therapeutic. It seems to be a good venue for an introvert like myself.
So yeah...thanks, emotional ruts suck, but I think the end is in sight for this one.
I'm late, but I'm compelled to write. I know I'm not as close to you as Alyssa or Mike or Sean (or at least that's how I feel sometimes). I haven't told you, but I think you're a great gal. I feel some kind of 'gap' between us as friends and I'm thinking of closing it.
Trying to convey my thoughts to you is difficult because I don't want to write anything with ambiguity in it. So, here goes.
I walked into Sean and Alyssa's place some time after you had left. I didn't even know you had been there until Sean mentioned it later. I gathered from him you'd been in a funk and my conversation inspired me to write a letter. This comment is the prelude to you reading the letter. True to Mines kid form, it's penciled on E2 paper. I don't know if you think that's funny, but I do. I've been passing it from friend to friend of mine and I want you to read it too. Please understand it may come to your ears with a little suggestive language, but it really expresses how I (try) to live.
Anyway, I'll close with a proposition. Your down mood is the catalyst for our friendship to become stronger. I'd like to have a conversation with you sometime. Conversations are my stones for building bridges to others--forging relationships, meeting along the way, and walking that 'bridge' time and time again, pondering the ways of the world. It's my invitation.
You're awesome Andie, I only frown on these words not coming sooner.
I struggle with the same things one a daily basis. I often find myself wanting to be around people but unable to explain why and not wanting to go threw the awkwardness of asking if they can help me by just spending time with people. I often find it simple easier not to be around people. I'm not the imposing type and I feel that that gets in the way of my own mettle well being a great deal of the time. I think that it is human nature to have these kind of feelings, we have a need to interact and we have a need to...reboot-if you will. For myself writing in a therapy for this lost mood and stalemate of emotions and interest. I wish it were easier for me to rely on people for emotional support but it seems to be something that is beyond my capabilities.
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